Choosing Peace.

Stepping into your fears and choosing action is hard. It's scary. At least for me. But it's even harder to let go of action, when it's necessary, and trust that life will work itself out. When I don't think logically about why I'm acting a certain way or doing something "productive", I end up feeling out of control and throw myself into mindless tasks to distract myself from the real fears. I'm getting ahead of myself a little bit, but stick with me.

 

Transition has never been easy for me, but I always do it, I always choose action. I made the move to Seattle from Minnesota when I was 18. I took a chance and moved again to the East Coast, where I happened to meet my husband. We decided to move to the same city after falling in love, we got married and moved again to "settle down" in Traverse City, Michigan. We aren't afraid to take chances, make changes and sacrifice comfort in order to live our best life. I do my best to look at long term goals, which is why I'm so passionate about budgeting, having patience with my business and sticking it out through the "junk". When life throws a curveball, I don't handle it too well. When the offer for my dream job was taken back unexpectedly, I was devastated and cried in bed for 3 days (that's a story for another day).

 

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This fall, we were thrown another curveball when we found out we were expecting a baby. It's time for another transition, a big step into parenthood. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. When we found out we were pregnant (like most people I assume) we were shocked, excited, nervous, and a million other things. I didn't even cry (which is unusual). Immediately (as in 20 minutes after I took a pregnancy test) we adjusted- changed our mindset and focus and started loving this baby like crazy. I remember asking Isaiah to just "take a deep breath and stop thinking about the details". Meanwhile, I was mentally re-working our budget, figuring out which room would be the nursery, wondering when I could ever quit my job, worried about never being able to plan weddings full time, questioning if we were too young or too newly married to have a baby, if I was strong enough to be a mom... worry, fear and doubt. I was saying one thing and acting a completely different way.

 

The next morning I went out and bought a bunch of books and started reading about pregnancy. I made an appointment with the doctor. I drank a green smoothie, I went to the gym and I bought pre-natal vitamins. I budgeted and figured out what it cost to have a baby, I called my insurance company, I bought 5 more pregnancy tests. Essentially- I entered complete spaz out mode. I was 5 weeks pregnant. My body still felt like mine. I was scared to death. Scared of what would happen to our new marriage, scared of loosing the baby, worried about money. I can't even tell you how fast my mind was spinning & swirling. This was a territory that was completely foreign. What I didn't do was stop and breathe, and pray for our son. I didn't pray for our marriage, or for peace. I worried.

 

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One thing I can say for sure is that I am so thankful that a baby takes 9 months to grow. I've needed these months to adjust and prepare my heart, house & mind for raising a child. As you know if you've been following my blog for a while, I've been focusing on preparing for a baby. I've been reading the books, buying the stuff, trying to keep my body healthy, going to the doctor, budgeting, being as responsible and over-prepared as I can be so that when he makes his debut I can focus on loving him with all of my energy. Meanwhile I've been so scared of what motherhood will be like. Will I be a good mom? Can I handle a marriage and a baby? What about work? Is there going to be enough money? Will my business take off? Am I ever going to have any friends? What if he gets sick, or I have postpartum depression, or I can't breastfeed, or this, or that, or whatever? I've been hanging onto my fears while doing all of the "actions" that should be calming and comforting, but they aren't. Something isn't working, something has to change.

 

Today I'm making the choice to let go, and choose peace. I'm deciding to trust that everything will work out perfectly, because it already has. There isn't enough room in this blog for me to list all of the blessings and love we've been the recipients of lately, specifically in the time we've been married. We are so lucky, with so much ahead of us, and I am choosing to be peaceful. I'm still going to struggle with worrying, but I'm hoping and praying that peace will be an overwhelming presence in my life so I can love my family better. I had a pretty major freak out the other day and wildly explained  to Isaiah that if I didn't "worry about and plan for all the scary things, then they would happen". Always the voice of reason, he explained that I could plan and prepare all I wanted, but worrying wasn't necesarry. We will be good parents, we love our son. He is healthy, nothing will go wrong. I'm so thankful for a supportive husband and family. Happy weekend, friends! If you read this, thank you. It was good to let it out.

 

 

Pregnancy: The First Trimester Pt. 2

After our first appointment with the baby doctor, I was in the zone. I was feeling better every day. All I could think about (still true actually), was about the new life forming inside of me. I started to research diapers, strollers, birth plans, doulas, budgets, nursery ideas, registry items... You name it, it had been googled. No joke, I was a search engine machine for about a week there.

 

When I wasn't passing time on Amazon, I was sleeping. Tiredness set in like nothing I had seen before. It could have been my body preparing for the crazy week of traveling we had before us, but either way I was lounging like I have never lounged before. Each day after work I'd come home and nap for at least an hour, usually two. It wasn't so bad, except I couldn't finish a movie to save my life.

 

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Another thing that was great about having that appointment behind us was that we were finally free to share the big news with our family and friends (and anyone that would listen). My doctor put our risk of miscarriage at less than 1%, and seemed very confidant in the health of the baby. Telling my parents was so much fun. They were surprised, of course, but I could tell by their voices how happy they were. My dad kept saying, "I'm too young (read: hip) to be a grandpa!". It was an indescribable feeling to have their support.

 

Since we were flying to Mexico just 5 days after our appointment, we decided to wait and tell my husband's parents in person, and I am so glad we did! Let me paint a picture for you... We had just gotten had a full day and half of traveling. We drove to Detroit, stayed the night at Isaiah's cousin's house, went to the airport at 6:00 a.m., flew to Ft. Lauderdale, transferred to a plane to Cancun, took a shuttle to the Port of Juarez, and then got on a ferry boat to Isla Mujeres. Whew! To say this pregnant lady was tired is an understatement.

 

My energy only rose when we saw my mother in law, (who happens to be one of my favorite people on the planet) waving her arms in excitement. We walked two blocks to George's favorite restaurant on the Island (sand-bottom, you have to believe I loved it.) and ordered drinks. Of course the first thing I'm offered is a Margarita... I claimed dehydration. After about 45 seconds of small talk I motioned Isaiah to get to it and spill the beans! I have this "thing" about me- I can't lie. But it's even deeper than that- I can't even withhold the truth when it's a big deal.

 

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After he said the words, "We're having a baby", jaws were on the ground, eyes were wide, and then immediately there was jumping and hugging. They were shocked but SO happy. The best reaction we could hope for. As soon as we recapped everything that had been happening for the past 12 weeks, we told them that we wanted a relaxing vacation, one that wasn't completely baby-centered. However it was pretty hard not to talk about the pregnancy with Diane, because she's the most understanding and thoughtful conversationalist I've ever met. We chatted a little bit about my hopes to have a natural birth, hire a doula, and how this new development alters the course of my business and intentions. She really helps me think.

 

Coming up... the first part of the second trimester! If you missed it, here' the first pregnancy post.

Pregnancy, The First Trimester Pt. 1

I've been wanting to post about my experience with pregnancy since the first week I found out we had conceived, but as you probably know it's better to wait a while. So, here is a little re-cap of how things have been going! Warning, I only know how to write honestly and openly, so there might be more information here than you care to know. :)

First of all, Isaiah and I have always known we wanted children. We didn't have a plan as to when we would start trying, and frankly we never got to that conversation. One day in the middle of September, I had the usual symptoms that would spell pregnant, but I honestly think I knew from the moment of conception. It was a feeling deep down, I felt different, I just knew. I had heard other mothers talk about this before but it shocked my how intuitive I felt. We took a test and it was definitely positive, so were the next seven. ;) It was shocking and wonderful. The next day I went out and immediately purchased three baby books and started studying up!

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Weeks 5 and 6 were a blur of excitement and shock. So much new information to take in, but I felt great. I went to the gym lots and continued eating healthy. We purchased pre-natal vitamins right away and I thought, "yea, pregnancy rocks!". So not the case for the next 3 weeks. I started to develop food aversions to all vegetables, most meat, and anything that smelled like anything. Tomatoes were especially strange- sour and foreign to my taste buds.

 

When I booked my first appointment I was informed that I wouldn't be seen until I was between 10 and 12 weeks. It seemed like forever to wait. We set our date for 10w5d, but around week 8 I got scared. My symptoms totally dropped off, to the point that I was worried. I read horrible stories online of miscarrying without the usual symptoms, and that the baby "just stopped growing". If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a worrier to begin with. Luckily, I went in for a few blood tests to confirm that my HCG levels were still on the rise. I was so relieved, and couldn't believe how attached I was to this little being already.

 

At our first appointment in November, we went through a few hours of blood draws, nurse visits, questioning, a visit with the doctor, and finally an ultrasound! Hearing our little babe's heartbeat was life changing. Strong and steady at 172 BPM. He was moving so much, almost like a little gummy bear! It was incredible. I was so happy that Isaiah and I got to experience that together. He's going to be the best dad.

To be continued...